Everlasting Battle of the Sexes

I'm finally back from a two week hiatus in Charleston that has since changed the course of the next 6 months of my life. But that's another story. I've been ridiculously busy and had no Internet for several weeks now but I suppose it's time I pick up the keyboard again and get to it.

Not too long ago I read Steve Harvey's "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man". Not wanting to read a heavy book right after finals, I found it on a bookshelf at my mom's and assumed my grandmother picked it up on sale at Borders. It actually was pretty on point. A quick read, I figured I'd laugh my way through it like I do Maxim or Cosmo. As it turns out Steve Harvey really was going to give women a point by point on the way men think.

I've grown up with mostly guy friends for as long as I can remember. I have always been more comfortable with them and have come to grasp the basic way they think. Scary though it is, most of my guy friends will tell me I think more like one than they do. C'est la vie when their advice rubs off. I have my over-analyzing, calculating and/or emotional "female" moments, but in general, I feel that stuff gets in the way of fixing what ever the problem is and moving on with life.

Which is one of Steve Harvey's points. Women are emotional. They love in every capacity and talk through everything. Men love through providing, protecting and professing. They talk to fix something. Once there's a solution he can put into order then he's done with the conversation. They are simple creatures. But women don't understand this. Which is the point of the movie "He's Just Not that Into You" that came out last February. Instead of poking fun at the men, this movie made fun of the advice women give to each other. Every one I heard coming out of the theatre full heartily agreed on how true to life it was. This is a sad statement. The advice women give to each other about men is terrible.

Put it this way, I go to my male friends when I want a solution and a truthful answer about a guy's behavior; I probably won't want to hear their answer but it will be the one that is closest to the truth and that I already know is true. I go to my female friends when I'm not really to hear the real answer. When I want to hear the "oh he's probably just....It's nothing about you" answer.

Women will make up every excuse in the book for a man's behavior. Which is why when we set standards men ignore them. They don't have to stand up to the standards because they know we will excuse their way out of it for them. It's sad. I've listened to my friends make excuses to stay in abusive, manipulative and adulterous relationships. I've listened to them excuse inconsideration, addiction and unacceptable behavior from their significant others then turn around and tell another friend they should get out of a similar situation. I've made excuses for the males in my life. I've listened to my grandmothers do it for their sons and my friends' parents do it for them. For whatever reason boys can get away with things that girls would get berated for in a second and it sticks with us through dating and into marriage and then into child rearing. It is a terrible cycle.

Steve Harvey's advice to stop this is for women to set their expectations and standards then stick by them. Don't give an inch and either the man will step up to the plate and be a man or he won't. If he won't he's not worth it. He doesn't like that men get out of everything anymore than most women do. But he points out that men don't grow up because there is no one there to make them do it anymore. If women want to have men around instead of boys they should make them step up to the plate. Cut out the losers that cannot respect you, love you and trust you. Expect more of men, make them meet the expectations and eventually they should get there. In fact SH would like more guys to read his book as an opportunity to be aware of how to become men. Mothers need to impose these standards on their sons as well. "Boys will be boys" is only an excuse. Three year old males can have just as impeccable manners as thirty three year old men.

And women need to stop giving each other terrible advice. Stop making excuses for them. If they want excuses make them come up with their own. And stop over analyzing and over thinking them. If he has worked all day and comes home and says he's tired, he's probably tired. Let him have twenty or thirty minutes to watch the game in peace before asking him to do dishes or fix something. You wouldn't want someone in your face the moment you walked in the door. It has nothing to do with his lack of interest in you. If he doesn't want to cuddle after sex it's not because he's less attracted to you after sex like Cosmo tells you, he's probably hot, tired, hungry or any combination of the three. For most guys, your man just worked out harder than he does all week in 30 minutes. Give his body a chance to regain its homeostasis and then try and cuddle. If you really crave that physical touch try it with a hand on his thigh or arm and not a suffocating, leg intertwining choke hold and you might see a better response. Only if his behavior is wildly out of the normal should you put up red flags. Say for instance he starts coming home later, kissing/smelling different, volunteering extra information and snapping at questions...THEN you can assume some thing's up. But if you accost him he's only going to get defensive. If you wait, all things come out in the wash, and you'll find out the truth. Not to say you're going to like the truth or you have to stay with him but if you turn ugly right away it's going to become a rip apart battle to the death.

And men, not every woman is crazy. Yes, you may not get us but nine times out of ten, arguments happen because of miscommunication. You will figure out what her quirks are within the first two weeks of dating her. For some women it's being respectful of her time. You might be intending to leave your buddies and be at her house at 5 but then you get distracted playing video games or decide to have another beer. Most women are not going to get upset about this if you just pick up the phone and call/text her what's going on. And by this I mean "hey I know you're planning ...........but I am having one more beer with the guys which means I won't be there for another .........minutes/hour." Try this instead of just coming home whenever you're done and then explaining what happened. She'll be more responsive to the first approach. If the woman's stickler is putting the seat down (and most women prefer this) than put the seat down at her house or parent's home. If it's you're house that's a different story, she shouldn't expect you to put it down at her house in respect for her lifestyle if she can't put it down at your house out of respect for yours. If you're married then that is a whole different battle.

All it is about is communication. Women, simplify your expectations and verbalize them to men. Do not assume they will pick up on hints (because they won't) or read your mind (because they can't). Men, if you just respect our time and our quirks you will get a lot farther than if you resist them. Either accept us for us or move on. You cannot change us any more than we can change you and if a woman has a quirk about putting her shoes in a row before going to bed chances are it isn't going to change. If you at least make an effort to put your shoes next to each other instead of four feet apart she's going to notice and appreciate it. Also, not every day is a picnic but women want to talk when it happens and men generally need to take a few minutes. Take the few minutes. Women, your thoughts will generally clear up as well and both of you will say more rational, less hurtful things. Men, keep your anger in check, this isn't a WWF arena. No holes in the walls please. Women, stop beating a dead horse. Once you figure out a solution or one of ya'll apologizes, drop it. It's done. No use in harboring resentment. And don't bring it up to beat each other one more time 2 years down the road.

Men and women are not always going to get along perfectly. We're wired differently and we are not going to understand each other at times. Ok most of the time. But it doesn't have to be as ridiculous as it's gotten. Those people whose relationships have lasted time have told me time and time again that the key to their commitment is respecting each other, talking through things and accepting each other, strange quirks and all. If both parties do this it seems to work so I'm not sure why the majority of us have such a problem with this? Maybe if we can learn to laugh at ourselves first through things like movies and books than maybe we can begin to learn more about the opposite sex and respect what makes them tick. For now though I'm just going to be stuck in my weird little box with my fence-sitting male/female mind wondering why my female friends don't get men and why my male friends slack off. It's not such a conundrum.